The fear of love will leave you empty

It made me wonder how the vivid truth of a soul that's breathing out there, sprinkling inside her thoughts nothing but pieces of you and your name is existing and has came forth to slap in your demented mind, the reality that you were born to be loved by someone.

I have understood the way people feel and take in love. It is something mere eyes cannot see but lives have been spent and hearts bled for it. It is a substance of the soul, a product of all emotions combined. Some people accept it with open arms others do not. Fears, experiences and souls have made some people wary and cautious by the mere mention of it.

But I do not understand why you, you fear of being loved. Would it kill you slowly? Would it detach you from your entity? Is it something you are lethal of? Can it burn you on the inside? Or is it a feeling, an emotion so foreign to you that you're afraid of its immediate effect, the now and its aftermath? Have you been so depraved of love that you forgot it existed? Have you been keeping yourself far from its grasp? Do you look at yourself so little that you have submerged in your thoughts that you do not deserve it, let alone feel it and its entirety?

It is never fearful to love, let alone accept it. And when one accepts it, it is not necessary to give it back. But the world and its inhabitants has imprinted in their minds that when one gives, one shall pay back, leaving out the giver empty, with its given love in vain. But is it all that of love? Is it?

Now tell me, why do you fear of being loved? Is it because you haven't felt it? Is it because you cannot keep up with it changing so often, and ending so soon? How can you know if you won't set your heart out there and feel it? How? How do you know if it is the way you think it is? And how do you know it is not?

How do you know it is painful when you haven't had it yet? Haven't let it entangle your existence, your life, your soul, you? How do you know so much of its menace when you know nothing of its bliss?

How do you know so much of love when you know nothing at all?

I'll be

I get it now. I have set myself out in the open to be hurt and be able to grow from those wounds acquired. It all made sense now. That's why I never held back in unleashing my feelings for people that matter to me because I know, even with the baggage of uncertainty and vain trailing behind, I know that I won't lose anything. Instead, I'm scaffolding myself and strengthening my veins to get by time and life.

I, thank every person whom I've met and loved. Thank you for not returning the feelings for I knew better now. It's not about being lucky in love and getting the luxury of being held dear by people who gave you ideas of happiness; ITS about who risked the most and braved the unknown. Its about who gave out what they can without thinking about being paid in return. Its about who gave what they had to those who mattered without taking in regard the possibility of being left in vain throughout the efforts poured.

Its about who cried a ton yet grew stronger after. Its about being thrown in the seams yet keeping oneself intact and valued and not being reduced into a rubble. Its about giving without receiving and its about loving without any given condition.

I am proud that I have been rejected a lot of times, I have been held captive by words that meant nothing to the benefactor, I have cried a lot for wrong souls yet I know these experiences haven't made me less of a person, let alone reduced my worth and capacity in loving.

I will love until I couldn't, no matter what may become of me after. I will give whenever I could. I will brave the uncertain and the vain. I will bleed words of love for those who do not deserve it. I will live my life while I could and live it full of love  and without any bylaws.

I will waste tears for those who wouldn't appreciate me. I will set my heart out in the open to feel the entirety of feeling. I will feel pain, yes I would but hell I will be stronger after.

I love you

I love you.

No matter what you say, I love you.

With everything I have and don't, I love you.

Even if somehow, you aren't worthy of this feeling, I love you.

Even if you say you're ugly, not enough, I love you.

Even if you don't love yourself, I love you.

Even if you think so little of your capabilities, i love you.

Even if I only knew you months ago, I love you.

No matter what I am in your life, no matter where I stand, nothing or everything, I love you.

I may only see you once in a blue moon, I love you.

You may not think of me as often as I think of you, I love you.

You may hate yourself, everyone around you, I love you.

People may not see your worth, step on you and neglect you, oh darling I will love you.

I may not know the worth of my life to you, I love you.

I may have forgotten the sound of your voice, I love you.

You may be cold, insensitive and weird, with all of me, I will love you.

You may have forgotten everything that you have said to me, nevertheless, I love you.

I may just be a mere girl in your life, I love you.

With everything I could offer that you couldn't take, I will love you.

With everything that made you imperfect, I love you.

Your name, your smile, may all be so familiar to me, but they still mean the world and by that, I love you.

Even if you'd choose another instead of me, I love you.

Even if you're happy and I'm not, I love you.

With all the love I could offer, I love you.

Whatever may become of us, strangers, friends, lovers, I will never forget the memory of me loving you.

I love you.

To the one who never knew

Within a seconds rule, you invaded my thoughts, my heart; everything that I have, now held you captive as an existing memory. And you dwelt in there for a while, until a day came you were all I had— but you never even knew.

You never had the slightest clue that we could be. If you were only a few steps closer, a few breaths nearer and a few chances nigh— what could have been happened to be what is. For I was only a girl with a face, nothing more. I didn't stood out when I walk in a sea of people. I was solely... me and you were a myriad of things that I'm not. You smile a lot, you stood out, you were cunning, bold, ravishing, all the more handsome— ethereal. You were the most beautiful thing I have seen in ages.

We've had a moment once and as what fate has etched into its pages, it remained as one, a fleeting, passing memoir of what could have been's. We shared the same proximity. We were from the same school. We even stayed in the same dormitory. We took the same course. We had all the chances in the world, but these chances never clung to us, it didn't brought us together, it only existed to fuel my fantasies and then break it then and there, crush my hopes down to the abyss of oblivion and darkness.

We knew each other through a friend and there, we only knew our soul's existence, and nonetheless, there was nothing more.

But there was this one time where I thought we could be more than just people who "knew" each other. They took a photograph of us; as you stretched out your arm and rested them on my shoulder and I wryly knowing what to do for I was nervous that you were within a breadth of finger, smiled and took the spur of the moment dear.

Ever since that time, I always had you. I carried you in my thoughts, enskied and made distinct by that certain memory we once crossed our gazes with. You were held by my eyes in a different light. You became more than what I thought you would. You engulfed my system farther en route.

I never knew one could make me feel this way, let alone you; whom I only had a photograph with, whom I only held gazes with, whom I almost bump with in school, whom I only shared the same air with, whom I've only seen for a moment yet never left, whom I've seen smiling even because of the slightest things, whom I've seen playing basketball until midnight instead of going to a party, whom I've known to wait for me outside the girls bathroom just because a friend of mine told you that we should have a photograph together, whom I've seen throwing brief glances at me (maybe) whenever I pass by and whom I had but never knew.

I had you in my thoughts, in my dreams, in my words. You were scribbled in my pages like fate imprinted on a life. You were the dry ink I have written in my veins. You became the things I never thought would be, but is.

You are mine whenever I close my eyes to sleep. You are mine when I write you in my pages. You are mine in my mind but never in yours. You mattered. I woke and I was struck, that everytime I had you was the time that I don't.

I had all else, except you. I had dreams, wishes, fantasies, thoughts, our children's names but never you and the wholeness of you. You were a sight but never a chance. You were only for my eyes and it stayed like that.

I was only me and I had nothing else to offer. But I still had you, it was just that... you never knew.

Distant

Someone who misses home
Someone who dont want to go back
Someone who is stuck in this old place
Someone who is confused yet made the choice to leave
Broken may it seem and hopeless we all are

We chose with no option and forgot what we have lost

Distant memories are nearby

No one knows where it began
For what we had was gold
Yet nobody knew where it was dug.

JGT

Just
Enough
For
Fate to

Grant me
Everlasting
Rays of
Agony, drawn from
Love and the
Desire to give

Though shattered,
Unbroken still
Amid words that hurt, I
Lay between my dreams of you
Existing through pain you and I built.

All at once

It's almost 2 years-- the improbability of me and you. Two years of chasing after the wind, chasing after you, with my heart on the line. I wonder, if even just for a second, you felt something for me or even remembered me because I deserved to be. 

I often ask, if I mattered to you even for a second, even in a heartbeat, in a blink of an eye, in a seconds' rule? Because if I did, I'd stop this wild goose chase all at once. 

That's all I ever wanted, recognition, appreciation. I never asked for more, I never asked for your whole heart, heck I didn't even ask for half of it because I know where I stand and I know fully well, I can never afford to have you. I do not deserve you. I cannot for the life of me, be with you. 

Yet it hurts, it burns the deepest corners of my soul to recall that one moment when I almost had you-- I was in front of you, the setting perfect, with no one to barge in the world our eyes have constructed, our souls have built, but... but you chose to not say a word, you made me invisible, you ignored me. As if we were never friends, as if we haven't shared smiles to each other, as if you never knew me. 

Our gazes brushed and it never went far from that. We were held by uncertain gazes, awkward meetings. 

My love for you fed on faint hopes, it fueled on tiny probabilities, mere texts, chats; it was brought to life by my lonely soul.

Forgive me, my love. I couldn't do a thing. My heart has its own mind and I refuse to take over, because in the end, after all the hurt and the tumult and the scars, I still would not have you. 

I might as well love fiercely, love deeply because this all ends slowly, painfully and then all at once.