All at once

It's almost 2 years-- the improbability of me and you. Two years of chasing after the wind, chasing after you, with my heart on the line. I wonder, if even just for a second, you felt something for me or even remembered me because I deserved to be. 

I often ask, if I mattered to you even for a second, even in a heartbeat, in a blink of an eye, in a seconds' rule? Because if I did, I'd stop this wild goose chase all at once. 

That's all I ever wanted, recognition, appreciation. I never asked for more, I never asked for your whole heart, heck I didn't even ask for half of it because I know where I stand and I know fully well, I can never afford to have you. I do not deserve you. I cannot for the life of me, be with you. 

Yet it hurts, it burns the deepest corners of my soul to recall that one moment when I almost had you-- I was in front of you, the setting perfect, with no one to barge in the world our eyes have constructed, our souls have built, but... but you chose to not say a word, you made me invisible, you ignored me. As if we were never friends, as if we haven't shared smiles to each other, as if you never knew me. 

Our gazes brushed and it never went far from that. We were held by uncertain gazes, awkward meetings. 

My love for you fed on faint hopes, it fueled on tiny probabilities, mere texts, chats; it was brought to life by my lonely soul.

Forgive me, my love. I couldn't do a thing. My heart has its own mind and I refuse to take over, because in the end, after all the hurt and the tumult and the scars, I still would not have you. 

I might as well love fiercely, love deeply because this all ends slowly, painfully and then all at once.