What It's Like to Love a Pessimist

She douses her thoughts with negativity, thinking of the world as a machine that upholds dreams, stitches up hope, but crushes it even before one can claim sabotage. She overthinks every situation she is in, thinking that everything that latches on her will be in jeopardy and will disappear eventually.

She writes until her fingers hurt and until her the pages run out; she writes down her worries and how she thinks of her life as an accidental gift, a tailspin of fate. 

She tends to remember the slightest misfortune, the tiniest error she has committed in the light of deeming that her life is a shaking picture of disaster and darkness.

She says sorry even if it's unneccessary and hugs you when she thinks she has gone overboard. She smiles through her tears for even when she views life as a merciless pit, she has this ounce of hope in her heart, that someday, somehow, there will be better things for her. She might not tell you often about her worries, but she has a myriad of them, haunting her soul even when she slept.

She smiles through her tears for even when she views life as a merciless pit, she has this ounce of hope in her heart, that someday, somehow, there will be better things for her.

 

ore fom Candymag.com

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When at times she's too much to handle, please don't yell at her. She did not choose to break her heart, no one will ever choose to. It's not her fault that she went through the worst and that overthinking is her coping mechanism. She did not enlist herself with pain and scars. Her life was hers but then, she wasn't in control. 

And now, as she cries in your arms and whispers to you that she's sorry for the nth time about the way she is, hold her close. She did choose to have a hard life, and she tried to be happy in the manifestation of you. For a while, everything simmers. Her thoughts of the dark are non-existent.

In you, she has found her solace. Give her that. In the midst of everything that went wrong in her life, she took the fall and gambled on you.

 

Please do not give her enough reason to hate herself again. For a moment, dwell in her world and look past her pains. She is but a girl who dedicated her life to happiness, happiness she cannot even own but chose to give it to others, to you.

Wade through the darkness of her heart and set her ablaze again. For in the misery that she has been and the life that she has lived, having and loving you encompasses all the pains this world could give her.

*Submitted to Candymag.com (Edited by Candy)

I Wear My Heart on My Sleeve

"Aren't you afraid that you'd be rejected?" 
I hear this line often from my friends when I am about to confess to someone that I like them. I was always that kind of girl. The kind that sets her heart out in the open for people to walk on yet never regrets doing it. I would always nonchalantly confess my feelings then and there. I believe that I should live in the moment for tomorrow is never certain.

I have been rejected a lot of times, well for the record, I always was. I have been viewed as too daring, too straighforward, too sure, too desperate. But really, what's wrong with being honest? What's wrong with being sure of my feelings?

Why is it not "conventional" or "socially acceptable" for girls like me to make the first move instead of boys? Can't I say my feelings whenever I want? Can't I speak my mind? Don't I have a voice?

The idea of a girl making the first move irks a lot and I don't know why; it has become a social stigma.

When I was a kid, the media has been a window that exposed my eyes to reality and as mediocre as it could get, boys were always the initiators, never girls.

Most of the boys I liked, distanced themselves from me since I was too sudden, too dauntless of a heart for them. I was too much to handle.

But I always knew it in me that whatever may become of me after all this love I am trying to give around, all this pieces of me I am sharing to those I deem worthy, I will never lose my capacity to love nor lose my depth in giving it.

I am in love with the idea of being in love.

And pain, years of unending rejection, toxic retorts from guys, never ending pain, never stopped me from giving out my feelings and my thoughts.

Although, some times are tough and it could get tiring, I'll recoil and get back on my feet; ready to wear my heart on my sleeve again.

I do not take love for granted; I value it too much that I see everybody as worthy of receiving it, let alone, feeling it even if at times, none deserves it.

Somehow, I grew as a writer because of the countless heartbreaks and rejections that I have endured. I have lost count on how many times I've confessed to guys that I like them, head on.

In anyway, the world may break me, reduce me to rubble, slather me with pain, pounce on me like a hurricane, I will forever and always love without a doubt; love the kind of love that lights up the darkest places. The kind that makes imperfection a peripheral notion, the kind that sets the world free from thoughts that constrain the soul.

I wear my heart on my sleeve because l can; loving throughout the uncertainty of it all made me who I am.

I have been beaten to the seams and rocked and thrown everywhere because of my benevolence. I never knew loving could hurt; I only thought of it as a substance so potent--everyone that feels it levitates away from the world and is brought to another place, an ethereal place.

No matter what, I just loved, and I guess nothing is ever beautiful than that.

A Birthday Letter for the Girl I Call My Semi-sister

Czar,

First of all, I do not know what to say to you hahaha. I feel like you know all of my thoughts already. Yet allow me to remind you again how wonderful you are as a friend, a roommate, a sister, a classmate and a human being.

When I first met you, I never knew that there will come a day we’d be close, let alone be friends. I barely noticed you during our first day of school as college students; I simply was too clueless. I forgot how we got close. All I remember was that from the moment I knew you and I were from the same dorm, we would always go together to class and I would wait in front of your door early in the morning and there are even times when I’d go inside your room without knocking and your old roommate would be weirded out but nevertheless she’d smile and say that you were still taking a bath or off to somewhere else. I never knew that those subtle, simple moments would lead us to where we are right now.

I never knew I’d have a friend like you, Czar. I was always the gloomy one. Boring and pessimistic; the girl who barely goes out, sticks to routines, smiles rarely, buries herself in books and acts as if her life is one big dramatic movie but when you entered, everything changed. Believe me when I say that if you’d look at me years before today, you’d barely recognize me. I have changed; I smiled a lot already, went out on crazy adventures, all because of you. I always wanted to do such things before, but I was too afraid, too pained by the laments of this world. But when you, soulful you and vibrant you came, I learned that it’s not that hard to break out from our shells after all; that all it takes is one person to pull you out from the current. 

Czar, I admit that I get annoyed of you most of the time but don’t blame yourself. I’m just the type of person to hate someone even without a certain, legit reason. I do not hate you because of you, I just well, am a moody bitch. Hahahah. 

I pray that we would have more adventures together and that we would achieve and fulfill the dreams that we have ever so casually talked about in café’s and beside busy streets. I pray that you would never give up on life; a casual line but I mean it. I know that you have your inner demons dragging you down, trying to drown you in darkness and misery but always remember that you are never alone in that fight. You always have me. I often muster a monstrous face but deep inside, I am fucking soft and you know it. 

I care about you even if I act like I don’t (its bc of my pride lol), I secretly pray for you whenever I can sense that you are struggling inside. Know that I am lost soul, a confused believer of God and light but I never hesitate to talk to God when it is you I am placing in the line ( and my family too). I never talk about myself when I pray but whenever I get the chance, I always mention you in my prayers and that no matter what, you may always have the life you always imagined for yourself even if I cannot.

There are times when we are laughing about inside jokes, I pause for a moment and take in the situation, realizing how blessed I am to have you as a friend and as a companion through thick and thin. There are times that we may not talk to each other because of some things that may be bothering us individually, personally but I can always guarantee you that I will always be your friend, your nigga, no matter what. You are the manifestation of a ‘’through thick and thin’’ buddy. Because I know and you know, that we have been through a lot of shits and shines already but nevertheless, here we are, still strong and pretty. (char) hahahah

I am fond of lengthy letters so please, endure with me. Besides, this would only be the special time of the year that you’d get all the sappy and sweet messages from the people around you, might as well embrace it.

Czar, I pray that you’d reach your dreams, no matter how hard (hard daw hahaha *wenk). I pray that you will be successful and happy throughout your entire life, because a person like you, kind, sweet and emphatic deserves all the worthwhile things and blessings this life can offer, You deserve every good thing in this world. I pray that your smile will never fade no matter how heavy the burden you are carrying on your shoulders. I pray that all the desires, whispers of your gentle,longing heart be granted all in God’s perfect time. 

As we are about to enter the serious stage of our course, may you always remember that when everything seems difficult to wade through, impossible to accomplish, I am always a bed away, struggling with you too. I may seem calm and quiet and pulled together, but believe me, I shit you not, I am stressed too. So, if you’re struggling, I am struggling with you too. Remember, broke buddies forever right? Throughout ramen diets and skyflakes for dinner, we always have each other to lean on. 

I thank God for giving you to me, for placing you in my life because I cannot imagine what my life would be without your evil laugh, kyeopta smile lurking though the corners. I pray that you’d always be humble and that you’d never belittle yourself nor feel insecure. You are perfect czar. You are no less. You have your own strengths that are others’ weaknesses. We have our own gratifications and shortcomings. Always remember that you have a lot of people behind you, cheering you on every step of the way, through every bumpy road and I, am one of them.

Happy happy birthday Czar and have a blast today! I love you! See you soon roommate!

Cheering you on, 

Zealous and smiling;

Amid downfalls and

Rocky paths,

In between rigorous roads and

Not-so-great moments,

A friend, I may call her; Who

Knows every cry before one is spoken

And every subtle smile,

You know her well, you know her through

Every changing rhyme

For her heart and 

Loving soul, knows kindness,

One that brightens; 

Resting on her, is a love that grows

Ever so subtly true;

She is a friend, a potent soul that tends to every broken wound.

- Thes (5/22/17)

Love and Angst

It was one cold night when I texted you that I couldn’t sleep for the nth time that week. I rapped your inbox with messages that were too petty to matter for someone who’s as happy, easygoing as you but for someone who has my kind of thoughts, my kind of pain, my kind of soul; every word I sent was a direct statement that summed up my life and how it’s going downhill.

I was too scared that moment, too haunted by the fact that after knowing my little, capricious fears, you’d leave me just like everyone else did. I was scared to lose you because it would take a million fates, a myriad of wishes for someone to love a girl like me; who’s thoughts never sleep, who’s heart is never at ease—scarred, broken, played with, who’s smile never lasts because happiness for me is but a subtle flailing gift, who’s eyes never lie, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I love hard and real—never less, always more. Finding someone who’ll love me is but a chance out of all chances—slim and dwindling through luck and pity; that’s why, I was afraid that you’d walk away, because once you would, it’ll take a thousand burnt wishes and dreams to have you replaced, to have someone love me, because after all, who would love a sad girl, let alone one like me?

Nonetheless, after all that happened, I prepared myself; I was ready that you might leave. You walking away didn’t mean that I’d accept and heal instantaneously; it’s just that what can a broken soul like me, do to stop you anyway? I take what I get and that’s how I’ll live.

Yet throughout the misery that I placed you in, you waded and stayed afloat; you stayed and dwelt and loved and endured. You listened to me when everything I was saying didn’t make sense, when everything that came out of me were manifestations of the pains that I’ve felt, you loved me all the same—without a doubt, without a word of quivering, without fear. I was in shock, I saw everything as an illusion, a trap, that’ll befall a soft-hearted, deep girl who saw the world as an endless mire of love and chances.

I admit that sometimes I push you to the brim, that I placed you in corners where all you can do was endure and listen to my unending notions of brokenness and angst; but nonetheless, you were still there, just like you promised. 

It was tiring for me, to have to think every single day that within a blink of an eye, a flick of a thumb, you’d be gone; that maybe you were wrong to jump with me, that you’d regret knowing me, that after all the bidding and the tears, you’d finally realize that I was complicated to comprehend—that I was hard to love.

I know nothing of tomorrow but I know one thing, that once in my lifetime, someone dared to love me, someone tried to piece the puzzle; that I have been trying to put together all my life. Yes, I’m getting tired; yes, we aren’t perfect; yes, we know nothing of this life; yes, we are to be tossed and turned, to be beaten and thrashed to the seams but it’s comforting, saving, worth living to know that I have you with me; to suffer with me, to laugh, to cry, to live in this race they call life.

I guess that’s what makes this love worth every scar, worth every reason—to fight for.

The fear of love will leave you empty

It made me wonder how the vivid truth of a soul that's breathing out there, sprinkling inside her thoughts nothing but pieces of you and your name is existing and has came forth to slap in your demented mind, the reality that you were born to be loved by someone.

I have understood the way people feel and take in love. It is something mere eyes cannot see but lives have been spent and hearts bled for it. It is a substance of the soul, a product of all emotions combined. Some people accept it with open arms others do not. Fears, experiences and souls have made some people wary and cautious by the mere mention of it.

But I do not understand why you, you fear of being loved. Would it kill you slowly? Would it detach you from your entity? Is it something you are lethal of? Can it burn you on the inside? Or is it a feeling, an emotion so foreign to you that you're afraid of its immediate effect, the now and its aftermath? Have you been so depraved of love that you forgot it existed? Have you been keeping yourself far from its grasp? Do you look at yourself so little that you have submerged in your thoughts that you do not deserve it, let alone feel it and its entirety?

It is never fearful to love, let alone accept it. And when one accepts it, it is not necessary to give it back. But the world and its inhabitants has imprinted in their minds that when one gives, one shall pay back, leaving out the giver empty, with its given love in vain. But is it all that of love? Is it?

Now tell me, why do you fear of being loved? Is it because you haven't felt it? Is it because you cannot keep up with it changing so often, and ending so soon? How can you know if you won't set your heart out there and feel it? How? How do you know if it is the way you think it is? And how do you know it is not?

How do you know it is painful when you haven't had it yet? Haven't let it entangle your existence, your life, your soul, you? How do you know so much of its menace when you know nothing of its bliss?

How do you know so much of love when you know nothing at all?

I'll be

I get it now. I have set myself out in the open to be hurt and be able to grow from those wounds acquired. It all made sense now. That's why I never held back in unleashing my feelings for people that matter to me because I know, even with the baggage of uncertainty and vain trailing behind, I know that I won't lose anything. Instead, I'm scaffolding myself and strengthening my veins to get by time and life.

I, thank every person whom I've met and loved. Thank you for not returning the feelings for I knew better now. It's not about being lucky in love and getting the luxury of being held dear by people who gave you ideas of happiness; ITS about who risked the most and braved the unknown. Its about who gave out what they can without thinking about being paid in return. Its about who gave what they had to those who mattered without taking in regard the possibility of being left in vain throughout the efforts poured.

Its about who cried a ton yet grew stronger after. Its about being thrown in the seams yet keeping oneself intact and valued and not being reduced into a rubble. Its about giving without receiving and its about loving without any given condition.

I am proud that I have been rejected a lot of times, I have been held captive by words that meant nothing to the benefactor, I have cried a lot for wrong souls yet I know these experiences haven't made me less of a person, let alone reduced my worth and capacity in loving.

I will love until I couldn't, no matter what may become of me after. I will give whenever I could. I will brave the uncertain and the vain. I will bleed words of love for those who do not deserve it. I will live my life while I could and live it full of love  and without any bylaws.

I will waste tears for those who wouldn't appreciate me. I will set my heart out in the open to feel the entirety of feeling. I will feel pain, yes I would but hell I will be stronger after.

I love you

I love you.

No matter what you say, I love you.

With everything I have and don't, I love you.

Even if somehow, you aren't worthy of this feeling, I love you.

Even if you say you're ugly, not enough, I love you.

Even if you don't love yourself, I love you.

Even if you think so little of your capabilities, i love you.

Even if I only knew you months ago, I love you.

No matter what I am in your life, no matter where I stand, nothing or everything, I love you.

I may only see you once in a blue moon, I love you.

You may not think of me as often as I think of you, I love you.

You may hate yourself, everyone around you, I love you.

People may not see your worth, step on you and neglect you, oh darling I will love you.

I may not know the worth of my life to you, I love you.

I may have forgotten the sound of your voice, I love you.

You may be cold, insensitive and weird, with all of me, I will love you.

You may have forgotten everything that you have said to me, nevertheless, I love you.

I may just be a mere girl in your life, I love you.

With everything I could offer that you couldn't take, I will love you.

With everything that made you imperfect, I love you.

Your name, your smile, may all be so familiar to me, but they still mean the world and by that, I love you.

Even if you'd choose another instead of me, I love you.

Even if you're happy and I'm not, I love you.

With all the love I could offer, I love you.

Whatever may become of us, strangers, friends, lovers, I will never forget the memory of me loving you.

I love you.